I told myself at 17 that I wouldn’t live to see 18

I told myself at 18 that I don’t want to experience life past 19

I told myself at 19 that it isn’t worth living after 20

I told myself at 20 that there’s no point of life after 21

I told myself at 21 that I don’t want to know what it feels like to be 22

I told myself at 22 that there’s nothing left to feel after 23

I told myself at 23 that I can longer go past 24

But here I am at 24 telling myself that I don’t deserve to see 25

The same thing I told myself for the past 8 years

So why did I still stay? Why am I still staying?

I am staying for the day that I listen to the next Arctic Monkey’s album

I am staying for the day that I tell all the haters of the next Arctic Monkeys album why its the greatest album of all time

I am staying for the day that I am asked by a TikToker what song I am listening to and telling them it’s my best friend’s voice note

I am staying for the day that I have a sleepover with my childhood apartment friends, but this time we are not children anymore

I am staying for the day that I buy my own acoustic drum set and continue to learn how to sing and play at the same time like Karen Carpenter

I am staying for the day that I see the Southern Lights and tell people who’s dream it is to see the Northern Lights that the Southern Lights are pretty darn cool too

I am staying for the day that I check meeting a Llama, Alpaca, Guanaco and Vicuna off my list of animals I want to meet and take a selfie with each of them

I am staying for the day that I publish my own photography book and jump up and down in joy telling myself I published my own photography book

I am staying for the day that I create an installation with all the cardboard toilet paper rolls I have collected

I am staying for the day that I find my favorite color and convince Pantone to make it the next color of the year, only to realize I have a new favorite color and that Pantone thanks me for my email and cannot take my request at this time but will consider me in the future

I am staying for the day that I dance in one of those 24 hour “if you stop dancing you are disqualified” tournaments and not even to be able to dance the whole 24 hours but just to do it

I am staying for the day that I design my own Johnson and Johnson band-aids and sign it for people who come into the store and for them to look at me and wonder who I am and why I am putting my signature on a Johnson and Johnson band-aid box

I am staying for the day that I finally maintain a good posture and to move my hands while walking, not to prove to my gym trainer when I was 19 that I am not a zombie as he said, but to do it for myself

I am staying for the day that I can go to the beach in a swimsuit without feeling conscious of every inch of my body

I am staying for the day that I bring every idea in my phone’s notes app to life

I am staying for the day that I figure out how to cook 2-miniute Maggi noodles in 2 minutes for once

I am staying for the day that I actually learn how to cut my hair and not just do it by eye

I am staying for the day that I reach a day past the highest number ever possible in the numerical system on my boxing journey

I am staying for the day that I win a carnival game and go home with a stuffed animal so big that I am swallowed by it

I am staying for the day that I kiss someone at the kissing spot in Union Square and then we giggle about how we kissed at the kissing spot in Union Square

I am staying for the day that I overcome my dermatillomania, and every time I lay my finger on uneven skin, I don’t feel the need to pick at it

I am staying for the day that I give my legal name at a cafe and the barista doesn’t question why I didn’t just give a fake-easier-to-spell name

I am staying for the day that I find the person who took my first name as their instagram handle and tell them to give it up and be one of those people who has their first name as their instagram handle

I am staying for the day that I can actually tell my left from my right and don’t have to put both my fingers up in an “L” shape, only to realize that I can’t figure out which way “L” is drawn

I am staying for the day that I look myself in the mirror and say “wasn’t all this worth staying for”

I am staying for the days that I add more to my “So why am I still staying?” list

So if you are reading this and don’t want to stay, instead make a promise to yourself that you will. I am living proof to stay no matter what.

Pinky promise yourself please.

Stay despite how hard it gets.

Stay and write your reasons to stay.

Stay to show yourself on your next birthday that you did stay.

Stay for yourself, for something, for anything.

Because you will soon enough realize you do want to stay.

Just stay reason or not.

Stay to write and be living proof to stay no matter what.